It's been a while since I last wrote to you. I must admit, so far it's been a difficult year for me.
The peri-menopause is like riding a dragon - hot, unpredictable, exhilarating and at times holding on for dear life.
This coupled with my hormonal headaches has not made me a happy bunny.
I've noticed lately when asked: 'How are you?', I reply with a flat "I'm fine!"
Many people nod their heads politely and leave it at that.
Because "I'm fine!" is a loaded answer that also says, " I'm actually not ok!"
"I'm fine!" is weighty because it means so much other than the brush off it's trying to be.
It could mean: "I'm struggling here" "There's a lot going on and I'm disturbed by it" " I'm disassociated" "I'm feeling flattened by life and all it's demands and I'm not sure where to turn or what to do."
"I'm fine!" can also mean, "Nothing huge is happening to me so I can't complain but I feel awful/insignificant/isolated/frayed at the edges...etc"
I have learnt to approach "I'm fine!" with tenderness and compassion because it has a fragility.
We speak of fine cloth as being both delicate and valuable and that's what "I'm fine!" deserves - to be valued.
So, I'm listening to my "I'm fine!" and I'm listening to the "I'm fine!" in others, and I'm not allowing it to be the distraction we hope it will be.
When I hear, "I'm fine!" I'm asking "What's going on then?" and taking a moment to breath into the answer to the question. "I'm fine!" needs time to unravel, it needs patience to percolate but when it finds its purpose, "I'm fine!" unlocks a treasure chest of precious insight.